Facing Life's Big Decisions: A Neurodivergent Perspective
Life is a series of decisions, some big and some small. But when you’re faced with a monumental choice—one that could change the course of your life—the process can be daunting. This is especially true for someone with nonverbal learning disability (NLD), as we often grapple with emotional regulation, overthinking, and a fear of making the “wrong” choice. For me, the current challenge is deciding whether to attend a family event next year, a decision that forces me to confront old traumas and potential triggers.
In these moments of indecision, I've found that music and self-reflection are powerful tools. I listen to songs that speak to my experience, like Calista Clark's "Brave Girl" or Hunter Hayes's "Invisible." These songs remind me of the bravery it took to disclose my sexual abuse and go to therapy, and the resilience I've developed over the years of healing. They help me accept that my life’s challenges, including the family dynamics that changed after my disclosure, have made me the person I am today.
I also find strength in songs like Jordan Feliz’s "Beloved" and Amy Grammer's "Love Myself," which remind me that self-love and acceptance are crucial, regardless of what's happening around me. When I feel like I can't handle a new challenge, Kelly Clarkson's "Unbreakable" reminds me that I'm stronger than I think. And Mallory Hope's "Now" helps me remember that even when a path changes unexpectedly, my loved ones and a higher power are always there to support me.
Beyond music, I’ve been using the Wise Mind strategy to manage my triggers and expand my comfort zone. This model, from Dialectical Behavior Therapy, suggests we have three minds: the emotional mind, the rational mind, and the wise mind.
Emotional Mind: Responds to situations based purely on feelings.
Rational Mind: Responds based on reason and logic.
Wise Mind: The balance between the two. It uses self-awareness, intuition, and past experiences to respond in a way that serves our well-being.
By choosing to respond from my wise mind, I can navigate difficult decisions with a deeper sense of self-acceptance and grounded wisdom, rather than being ruled by fear or logic alone.
The Paradox of an Invisible Disability
In his article, "The Bravery Paradox," Nathan Ekstrand talks about living with a hidden disability like epilepsy. He explains the dual messages he receives from society: one telling him he's brave for existing, and the other questioning if he deserves accommodations. This "bravery paradox" is incredibly relatable for those with invisible conditions like NLD, chronic migraines, and PTSD.
My struggles are often not visible to others, which means I get to choose when and how I share my story. However, this invisibility also leads to subtle forms of discrimination and a constant need to justify my needs. It can be exhausting to try to explain what it's like to navigate a world that doesn't see your challenges.
Vulnerability and Regret
For neurodivergent individuals, certain traits can make us more vulnerable to harm. According to an article on neurodiversity and sexual assault, difficulties with social cues, a desire to be accepted, and being overly trusting can put us at higher risk. Having a history of PTSD and living with NLD, I can confirm that these traits have made me more susceptible to being taken advantage of. It’s a harsh reality, but understanding these vulnerabilities can help us be more vigilant and protect ourselves.
When it comes to the past, many of us are haunted by regret. An article on ADHD and regret by Sharon Selene explains that we can feel regret more often and more intensely due to struggles with impulse control and emotional regulation. While we can’t go back and change our past decisions, we can learn to accept, forgive, and change our responses to them. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and the mistakes I’ve made have ultimately shaped me into a stronger, more resilient person.
Making Decisions: A Practical Guide
When facing a major life decision, it’s easy to get stuck in decision paralysis. Here are some tips that I find helpful:
Ask the right questions: Take time to explore all your options and consider the potential outcomes. Ask yourself what you're willing to give up and how a decision will impact your psychological well-being.
Write down pros and cons: This simple exercise can help you make sense of your options and see things more clearly. I often do this multiple times over a few days as new thoughts come to mind.
Boost your confidence: Trust your gut feeling. A clinical psychologist quoted in an article on decision-making notes that trusting yourself can boost your self-esteem and lead to better mental health.
Get support: Don't be afraid to lean on a trusted support network. Their insights can be invaluable when you're feeling stuck.
Give yourself a deadline: This can help you avoid being stuck in fear and move forward with your life.
In addition to these tips, I find that writing a "fake letter" to myself—a letter I never send—can be a powerful way to process difficult emotions and gain clarity. Whether I type or use voice-to-text, it helps me get all my feelings out.
I hope this episode has helped you feel less alone in your struggles with making life decisions and living with regrets. The journey is not always easy, but it is one you can navigate with courage, self-compassion, and the right tools.
